There is a point that I arrive at with my wife that I hate and it’s routine. Not the good kind of routine where you are building positive habits…
It’s the time when I feel like we are going through life helping each other simply get done what we need to get done. When we feel like we are just co-workers at a factory and putting out fires.
And oh are there fires when you got three kiddos under 5 in a house.
(But you already know that)
The thing about it is, I don’t see it coming until BOOM! It’s happening. I just realize that I feel like I have not talked with my wife at all on a deep level. I have not really talked with my kids on a deep level either. I am just being. I am just working.
And fatherhood takes serious work!
I am sure that you have been there. If you haven’t then either you’re not human or you have some super perfect marriage (which means you’re not human). When it start to happen I try to figure out how and why we got to the place that we did.
Was it that fight we had that was not really resolved?
Was it the finance discussion about some purchases I made that were not in the budget?
Was is the lack of sex we have been having?
Yes yes and yes. But that’s not the core of the issue. The core of the issue and the key that always fixes this funk. The secret “hack” if you will?
Talking to my wife is the number on thing I can do to make this not happen.
Does it correct itself overnight? No
Does it make our marriage perfect? No
Does it make the kids behave like angels? No
What is does is repair the relationship. We are not machines and we need more than text messages back and forth. We need more than to-do lists that we are working together to check off. We need someone that really knows us and supports us.
My biggest weakness is not sharing enough with my spouse and the biggest area that I fail to share openly with her is with my work life. When I am contemplating a decision or had a bad day or can’t get something out of my head, I internalize it. I don’t share it. Why? Well the list is pretty long but a few reasons that come to mind are…
- She won’t understand.
- She doesn’t care.
- I have to take too long to setup the context of the issue.
- I don’t want to “bring my work home”.
- I don’t want to think about it myself.
These are stupid excuses. What I need to do is share with her. My work /is/ my life. Is it my entire life? No. But to refrain from sharing it with her is to hold back on what I am going through what I am excited about, what I am worried about. It’s the personal side, the relationship. The thing is, she craves it! She wants to hear about everything, all the things that are going through my head.
Yes, it is hard. It takes practice and intentionality. But, it’s worth it.
Best of all it’s free! Try it today!
I’ve found the most success when I come home from work. Quick 3 step guide.
1. Turn off phone. Like fully off.
2. Sit on couch with my wife. Ignore kids unless someone is on fire.
Not much more to that other than to make it a habit. I fail, we all fail, but getting back on the horse is the only way to a chance at success.
If you found this useful let me know in the comments, or share it with someone that would find it valuable. We’re all in this together.